Dios del amor

I'm trying to convince myself that i don't suck at singing, because at one time i was good, but i think Andrew has gotten into my brain and i feel like i should just stop


it comes out on accident sometimes though, its weird that when you're told certain things you tend to fall into that category because you think that's what you are

"i am not what i think i am, i am not what you think i am, i am what i think you think i am."

I don't remember who said that, but it holds true for everything...i was doing so well on my singing last year, i did really good and improved so well in vocal

I was getting better in the artistic nature

I was writing still

But then I compared myself in the artistic nature, and it didn't push me
Then I compared myself in the writing skills, and it completely drowned me in self doubt
Then I started dating Andrew and hes great and all but his criticism just completely swallowed me and made me too angry to draw, too angry to sing, to a point where i truly believe that i don't have a good voice anymore, that somehow i got worse instead of better....

I pretty much told him to fuck off when it came to drawing but idk i still don't find the point in doing so

Every relationship has its flaw though...*shrugs* whatever

I'm On A Mexican (woah oh) Radio

So I randomly think of things that should be invented....


like the other day i was thinking that they should have a machine that splits water into hydrogen and oxygen in scuba gear. Unfortunately it would probably have to be a very small machine it would have to handle the pressure of deep sea diving along with the ability to manipulate the molecules quickly. I don't know how molecule splitting works, so I wouldn't be able to provide more insight on the machine. I say scuba gear because it would probably be very expensive to make and wouldn't work for just anyone, although wouldn't that be awesome to have as a toy as a child when you go to the ocean? Or a teenager...children don't understand not to go as deep i think....

and today i was thinking about this one thing i really wanted when i was a child and i was thinking that it probably wasn't possible. What you did is you placed like a piece of doll clothing into the machine and it copied it and gave you a piece of clothing that matched the specifications you put in. I was thinking this wasn't possible, but then i thought about it some more....what if you took the piece of clothing(when i was little i was thinking barbie clothing) and you had a machine that took the specifications of it and had it hooked into a sewing machine that had the ability to sew along a computerized line(they have some of these, programmable sewing machines). So you probably would have it hooked up to a computer, the program would scan in like an outfit basic and you could look at it, and quite possibly pick which part you wanted to do? Idk now i'm just mumbling...but basically all you would need to be invented now was a scanning program that took in clothing and analyzed it and make it into something that i forgot the fucking word!


okay maybe you can help me....they're pretty much an outfit design on paper, they come in this white paper bag that has adhesive and shuts close and they usually have the outfit on the front...i can't remember for the life of me what its called so i can't show you a picture....but thats what the scanning program would create that way you can print it out and just make it, with different measurements 0.o

Why Can't I Breathe

So maybe i don't have a chemical imbalance, maybe what happens is that i have a larger inability than most to not be able to handle stress because of my genetic history and that i build up barriers to protect myself but they break down part by part and during a moment of slight stress they get destroyed completely to where i completely break down and can not handle life. I'm not bi-polar. I don't have a definite life. I hope this is true, because if this is it, if i don't have a chemical imbalance all i need is to change my life completely because obviously school breaks down my barriers.

In a side note fuck feeling my past.

Too Late To Apologize

Because you said those words i curled up and cried. Memories of love, like never before, returned and threw me off my life. Each night I dream of you, or have dreams with a past crush. Those words tore up my soul, I wasn't suppose to be her anymore, and I wish you didn't remind me that I was. I don't know if I'll be able to keep saying no, if I'll be able to walk away again, I wish you wouldn't make me have to.



Unfortunately....so why did you have to say those things when I'm with someone else?

Argh

The last couple of days have been horrible and i don't think this upcoming week is going to be any better since you know i have jury duty

argh

Spor!

So i remember very few things about my subconscious perception of reality....hehe

We were in a dugout, baseball field with a dick team who thought of me and the other chick i was with....i don't remember who, we were investigating her..........as shit, no lower than shit......and like we all went inside and i walked outside and this mailman was driving on the street and swerving between both sides and i stood up and had him pull over and asked what was going on...it was the first time he had a late night shift and he was falling asleep at the wheel so i told him hold on and ran inside, and yelled at the team and asked where the mini fridge with teh amps were and there like you know the punishment for taking an amp, and i yelled i don't care just where are they? and they told me and i went outside and got one, and apparently a purple nurple was the punishment so a guy came out and gave me a purple nurple and we got into a fight and he knocked the amp out of my hand and spilt it so i had to grab another, he didn't get the chance to purple nurple me again so i just went out and looked outside but he had already left, so i sat on the side of the road and just sat there....a little bit later one of the baseball players came out and sat next to me and i asked what he wanted, if he was going to punish me and he said no, that what i did reminded him of something that happened to when he was little...he told me the story but i forgot it xD

i remember sometime in the dream i told the person just to forget about it, they think we're lower than shit and not afraid to show it, jocks are jerks, they always have been

Ack blargh blargh

Bagels are sometimes delicious, depending on what kind they are but that's not the point.I hate frustration, and being frustrated it tires me out and makes Andrew upset because unless i say i don't know why its usually him that frustrates me and there are just a lot of times where he does it a lot. I don't feel comfortable yelling at him, or expressing why he's frustrating me because usually he tries to negate himself when i haven't finished so now I've just been going to the room and curling up. This doesn't really help, because then he gets really upset and shit...argh....idk what to do T_T

Tempted By The Fruit of Another

Nobody Knows Where My Bonnie Has Gone

So you take your chicken breasts and you thaw it and cut it up see, then you cook it in salsa, whichever to your preference, i chose mild cause it was what was available, and when the salsa has soaked into the chicken and the chicken looks nice and tasty, grate some cheese over that bitch and let it melt. Stick it in a warm tortilla with your favorite burrito toppings and you've got a really tasty chicken burrito.

Nom nom....i love experimenting in the kitchen, just use make sure to put oil in the pan ^_^

Blue Denim Shirt and Hipster Shades

So spors(subconscious perception of reality) are interesting

in one of my spors i was attacked by shadow balverines and rescued one of my old friends

in another one i was having a birthday party with like a bunch of random people, well not really random...one of my friends was smoking, i had forgotten she smoked...but in real life she doesn't smoke..but i think her mother does

and then another girl i had invited was from deviantart and she was a major steampunk nerd and was talking about steampunk and was totally losing me.

anyways



^_^ so amazing